The Girl

-the emptied hearted-

The Story

The Date: Wednesday, April 22, 2009 ( 4:29:00 PM )
SATURDAY, 18April2009. Tampinese st XX,
4empathy's CIP together with others...




The Date: Saturday, April 18, 2009 ( 7:48:00 PM )
Fast fast fast.

today had CIP. was rather fun. haha. go from the highest floor to collect all those stuffs then come down. haha. then got one house very scary. got paint all over de. anyways, i think we were very efficient. yes, yes. could have been the first to finish if not for some biased people. STUIPD. B is the word for the day man. stupid de! then after a seemly long wait, the lorry FINALLY ARRIVES!!! have totally no idea how long we waited!! anyways, we did a human chain to transport the treasures we collected onto the lorry. FUN!!! haha. and we also took many pictures...

then went to TM, Century Square and White Sands with jamie and Roi, my younger brother! Ate pasta mania for lunch. i tell you arh, really filling leh. haha. spammed the cheese!! then shopped then went to WS's mac to study. there was this aunty was like chasing us out, then we were like hey, we bought ice-cream and a drink you know... then hor, actually got a lot of people there although not studying meaning no books in front of them also just sitting there, after finishing their food or rather they were using their laptops. Just because we have books infront instead of computers or just sitting there and talk, we are not allowed to stay there? what is the different? we bought food like them also.

oh, and we also saw some disturbing signs. It was like, this mother and daughter hor, they were like sitting there talking.. then we stand there. They have already finished their food de lor, then i think the girl saw us then she wants to get up then the mother told her to sit down. Hey, please be more considerate lah, like people need the sits lor. i wonder why the auntie see that we need sit never come and chase them away. sorry, i forgot, THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY BOOKS IN FRONT OF THEM!!! and OMG!! can't believe this is happening what will become of our future generation!! HELP!!!

anyway, i will post the nice nice pictures we took today. Roi's really funny!! then many people thought that he's my brother today.... haha. there was this guy on the MRT he thought Roi was like in the other family then he changed place with Roi to let him sit with his "family" then hor, he went to sit beside me(in the middle of Roi and I). then, i think he kindda realised that he made a mistake then thought that I am in the family also then we said nope, only classmates, so he continued sitting next to me. then we were talking as in Roi and I. then like I was one stop away from alighting then he said, do you want to change place 'cos i feel kindda squeezed!! STUPID GUY lar. Act smart only. haix. so we changed place. really waste my energy, haix, dun noe how to explain. it was really weird.

Yepps that is all for now, i have to study le... hehe. hehe. hehe. hehe. though i think i wouldn't... haha. whee~~ BB.
The Date: Friday, April 17, 2009 ( 8:15:00 PM )
haha. yeps. today was a rather good day. minus the you-know-what-free-period and yah... haha.

this flower is jamie's you see her hand there.... very special de. cause this flower got leaves that are joined together at the middle part de...

and so we had fun taking pictures of it....

had BIOLOGY test today. haix. just hope that i can pass. anyway, went to count physics test de marks. haha. not bad not bad. Jamie, our marks is okay okay de. middle... haha. so it was a rather stress day. anyway, mr lim, dont think too much on the "lor mee" joke... relax. just a joke mah. anyway, then we went to Kallang MRT there to walk walk and eat eat. haha.



this is ROI and his very first RAMILY burger. He's really happy you know... will try to post more pictures cause phone dropped then connection lost so cannot. haha. Anyway, we ate and talked and drank quite many stuffs. Jamie and Roi were very high and happy to go there de PASAH MALAM to shop. cause they rarely go...
then took MRT and bus home... this whole week save de money bye bye le... whee~~


oh, this is the lastest food that is getting popoular in Roi's digestive system. the STRWBERRY-MILK GREEN JELLY... haha... smells really digusting and look really disgusting too. yet, he ate till it seemed nice. haha. really funny. i wonder how it tasted like....

Anyway, tomorrow got CIP then going to study with Jamie. yes... haha. stress leh. hopes to get good results. BYE BYE. going to chiong for my ultimate goal le.
The Date: Thursday, April 16, 2009 ( 10:10:00 PM )
JAMIE, I'M SORRY!!! i really didn't mean to not run with you de. don be angry le... smiles.

Anyway, as you can tell, ran 2.4km today. at first was the second class to run. then suddenly become like the fourth again.... 'cos of some stupid reason. haix. and amazingly there were people who ran for 27++ minutes which kind of made Wu lao shi rather angry. a little lah, because of miss low... haha. it was funny.

and yes yes, dance results came out today. they got a GOLD, you see, a real GOLD. haha. so cheer up, everyone, chung cheng still got a gold. There's nothing to be sad de lah. smile smile. you did all your best...

need to study for bio test tomorrow... wish myself all the best... whee~~~ bye bye.

Does all old people behave like that? Do they hallucinate a lot? If not, why is she like that?
The Date: Tuesday, April 14, 2009 ( 9:33:00 PM )
Friends are for? Am i just someone only when there's no one else on earth?

Hey, i released i have been very pessimistic later. I will die earlier like that de. Did i post, 'cos i figured that i am dying on 5 January 2075 if i am optimistic... at this rate, i doubt i'll every make it past this year. Suddenly remember a promise i made, that i said if i break, i wouldn't leave past 21... whee~~ waiting for that to happen.
Because i vividly remember breaking it...

Sad. Dance's SYF today, results only out on Thursday. all the best, though i know there were some mistakes. and also EDS's SYF. All the best. i am not saying this 'cos i got a silver. Just plainly wishing you guys good luck. whee~~ and to watever CCA that has yet to have their SYF!!

Someone said to me today, "how can anyone just lie through their teeth?". Well, it depends. in that case, after SYF, everyone needs reassuring or rather consolation or to put it nicer, encouragement. Sometimes, lying might be the best way out. when you have no other choice.

........
The Date: Monday, April 13, 2009 ( 6:34:00 PM )
today was a rather painful day. that is something irritating on my tongue!!

argh! Rushed to complete chinese like some crazy woman only to find out need to check tomorrow. okay. okay. i think i also need to like so some website to do chinese test or practice everyday. Sigh...

then was P.E. haha walked one round and ran one round around our famous lake!! then tried out 2 of the 5 stations which i passed for both. haha. muahaha!!! lets see then was A maths. which there was a "surprised" test, when not many felt surprise. didn't even manage to complete one question correctly. i need to revise le!! so practically handed in an empty piece of paper with many many scribbles. hehe.

LUNCH i stayed in class. I didn't want to see any one. yepps, Rachel's escaping again. maybe it has always been about me.

then was chem and physics which i did not understand much so yepps this means that Jamie will have to be my teacher. hehe. Please....

then assembly then went home. kindda rushed home. hahas. i like this!! rushing home like no one's business. save money also. Whee~~

I kind of miss band le. Weirdly i miss my section. the fights, the quarrels and most importantly the laughter. I don't know if they are real and sincere but i pray hard and hoped that it is. I don't like to be hated. i means how likes it? to me, there is always a clear line between friends and enemies. there can only be either or. Its a psychological problem, i guess. that always seem to be something between me and the others. What is it? is it because i don't trust people enough? or i doubt myself too much?

Sigh... ... sometimes i give up trying to make people hate me less...
The Date: Friday, April 10, 2009 ( 8:49:00 PM )
Whee~~~
changed the skin today... haha.

Anyway, i figured, after reading Sister's keeper which is a fantastic book, what and how do we decide who gets to make the perfect decision or our selves or for others. Does parents really make the best decision for us? Are we really too young being teenagers to make our own decisions?

I am not going for tomorrow's outing. Sorry. I don't know why too. I know you will enjoy even without me. haha. so, yup, i'm not going tomorrow... .....
The Date: ( 11:21:00 AM )
"This is just a festival. Kudos to all the bands who hit their targets(in terms of awards) but the real winner of this festival are those who benefitted the from the process and the aftermath. Even though several bands have problems eg. bandsmen not sensitive to the intonation problem and so on and so for, it is a learning point for the bandsman, or bandsmen, and our vibrant singapore band scene would benefit. It is also not just constricted to music production, morals like attitude, humility, determination (and so much that i cant list them all) would be learnt before, during and after the competition. We should not treat this SYF like the EPL title, instead, we should treat this small little bit of competition as a good learning point in our life."

i took this from the band fusion website thought it was really meaningful. SYF is over le. and i guess it kind of marks the end of band life in Chung Cheng. End of all these conflicts. Yet, i think i am going to miss all of you. THANK YOU, all CCHMSCB membvers that makes these SYF such a memorable one, really.

You know, sometimes, i get really angry. i mean, it like i don't know. everyone thinks that others are selfish. i mean like why? you give others an option and when others reject, don be angry. DONT. And are you always right? When you judge other people to say that they are bad or not good or whatever, is it just because they oppose you? or that they don't listen to you? DO WE EVER CARE ABOUT OTHERS OR ARE WE CONSTANTLY THINKING ABOUT OUR SELF ONLY?? i realised, we often get offended or angry when one does things that are the opposite of what we asked them to. yet, we others are angry at us for doing the opposite of what they ask or when we break our own rules, DO WE GET ANGRY WITH OURSELVES? us, as humans, rarely tries to put ourselves into other shoes. We, often judge people as who we want them to be, never bothered about what they really wanted. Who are we to do so?

i really am lost. yet, who is able to help me? am i wrong? where and when? does anyone understands how i feel? how i feel to not be able to completely fit in anywhere even if i try my best? to always hear different things from different views? i guess i am just sensitive. yet, i dont think you guys will ever understand. and don bother. really. this is tiring.
The Date: Wednesday, April 8, 2009 ( 7:26:00 PM )
whee~ SYF results are OUT. SILVER. why!?

Tutor, you lie de. only wanted to console us i think. but its okay. I think we need to know the truth next time. giving us high hopes make us fall deeper, hurting more. To seniors and Tutor, kindda feel that we disappointed you. We were in a mess. Our INTONATION was DISGUSTING. Eee.... you should have told us earlier. XD but still... thanks for the meal today. haha. [-_-]

Disappointed. that is the only word to describe how i felt. Those tears which were meant to be tears of joys, turned out to be disappointment.. touched with everyones' performance. most did not achieve their best, but i think most tried their best. and only leaders are to blame. it is all our fault. we did not lead the band well. with all those past stupid conflicts and stuffs. how is it even possible for us? And now, all we can leave the band with is JUST A SILVER. However, SILVER is not nothing. it might just be a lesson that arrived too late. too late to change anything. so yepps, we can only settle for a SILVER.

And, to think of it, i think we only deserve a silver, though it hurts to admit. Listen to the recording. haix. yet now its not the time to point fingers nor is it the time to blame yourself. Think, now, how are you going to improve yourself, your section, the band?

I hope the future leaders will do a far better job in bonding the band. NO MORE CONFLICTS. it is impossible to let go. all of us have to admit. to forgive and forget is NOT easy. you say you forgive but deep down, you know, you will never trust this person again. So whats the use? NOTHING...

There will be no regrets. There should be no regrets. If we did our best, whats there to regret? But the thing is did we? no. Because we have regrets. like not having to solve the notes and articulation and blah blah blah of the piece earlier but who's to blame? the leaders? the band? everyone. its like if you push a glass bottle that is on a table, it falls and shatters. Do you blame yourself for using too much force OR do you blame the bottle for not stopping, blaming the friction, blaming the bottle being made up of glass? it is everything that adds up that leads to the falling, the breaking of the bottle. yet there are something which could not be help. just like friction, how could you have controlled it to make it prevent the bottle from dropping. this might be a bad example but. neh. its okay if you understand what i want to say. We might have tried better at the last few practices but that was never enough. And now it would never be.

SILVER. Is that whats going to satisfy us? Our goal, the GOLD. GOLD is never equals to SILVER. Could we have gotten a gold if we were a few days earlier? that would be a question that there will never be an answer. Are we a gold band, unfortunately given a silver? Who knows? Are we just lacking luck? Frankly, all this doesn't matter. We have got a silver. and that is what people look at. SILVER.

i look forward to the debrief from Mr. Wong. and the comments form the judges. Why? and what did we did or not did that eventually led to us being a SILVER band again.

People, seriously, it is time to wake up. Please know when and where to be serious. Please know what is right and what's wrong. However, please, just continue as per normal if you think that you had nothing to do with our SILVER when we could have gotten a GOLD. Continue and stay where you are. Don't change, if its what your opinions are all that you only care about.

A silver earned, a lesson learnt. it is the efforts that most have put in to even manage to earn this. Like Tutor said. Its not their fault but the whole band's fault.

4 years in Chung Cheng High (Main) Band. Several Competitions. ALL SILVER. ALL. SILVER. disappointment. these will be the SILVER AGE of band. haha. i wonder when the golden age will arrive...

The Date: Saturday, April 4, 2009 ( 11:18:00 PM )
3 more days to SYF... .. excited. nervous. whee~~
I have no idea what I am suppose to feel right now. haha. rushing all the homework that i owe... hehe.
Suddenly feel rather sad at the thought of leaving band. i wonder why... is it always like this?
let us cherish our last days in band together!!! whee ~~
The Date: ( 11:18:00 PM )
okayokay. just realised i forgot to write about a big issue. haha. should i?

First i want to say that i am NOT AT ALL PROUD THAT THESE STUPID AND DISTURBING THINGS HAPPENED AND THAT I AM NOT BLOGGING TO SHOW THESE OFF. I AM JUST VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY UNHAPPY ABOUT THIS INCIDENT AND FIGURED THAT BLOGGING IS A WAY TO RELIEVE MY ANGER. SO IF YOU WANT TO THINK SO MUCH INTO IT, IT IS YOUR OWN PROBLEM. I WILL NOT MENTION ANY NAME THOUGH OUT THIS WHOLE POST OTHER THAN MY FRIENDS' NAME. SO EVEN IF YOU KNOW WHO IT IS, KEEP IT IN YOUR MIND. i think more than half the class also dont know that i did that trigger it cause the reason is so ABSURD!!!

okay. what is personal attack? let me check out google...A personal attack is committed when a person substitutes abusive remarks for evidence when attacking another person's claim or claims. This line of "reasoning" is fallacious because the attack is directed at the person making the claim and not the claim itself. The truth value of a claim is independent of the person making the claim. After all, no matter how repugnant an individual might be, he or she can still make true claims. so, this is what personal attack means. so did i really make the mistake?
SHE called me out of class during other teachers' lesson,when i was about to have a test. SHE wanted to hold her stuffs and carry it down so that we can "talk", which i refuse to and went down. "Why are you always targetting my row?" please tell me that that was very hurtful. well, I am 'sorry' but IN MY OPINION it is NOT.

So that stupid and meaningless sentence was the trigger for the following disturbing signs. That remark was being treated like a hurtful and a serious personal attack on HER. so, she was angry... @ ME for saying something so casual. something that meant to be a joke. IRRITATINg. so that was not the worst. the whole class started singing a birthday song. NOTE ITS WHOLE CLASS. then she only SHOUTED at ME to keep quiet and shut up. SHE DID. DONT REMEMBER CAN ASK THE CLASS. then for the rest of the lesson she was LIKE THAT. SUPER DUPER DE BIASED AGAINST ME. like when XXX was talking, she said to her nicely, "XXX, can you please keep quiet?" then when it was me, she shouted, "RACHEL, CAN YOU KEEP QUIET/SHUT UP!!!!" and also super minor stuffs like "CAN YOU PLEASE FACE THE FRONT, HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU!!(when she only told me once.)"note the different in the font, feel the different expression. WHAT THE HELL!!! YOU DON'T TREAT ME LIKE THAT. I AM NOT YOUR DOG OR WHAT SO EVER. so, i figured, you don't respect me. thus DON'T EXPECT ANY RESPECT IN RETURN.

just when you think everything has ended. NO, it had just been building up.

oh, then i think WE saw you rolling your eyes at me and said, "i'm not going to talk to you" after i asked when you want to meet me after you said you wanted to talk to me. SPOT THE IRONY!!! yos, once again, i HATE it when people treat me like that. What rights do you have to do this to me? FYI, throwing your stuffs or banging your stuffs on the table, haha. thats a joke. what, you think i can't do that, i just LOVED my things too much. and come on, i dare you to check my work and the rest of the class, some people might not even have done the class work when i always complete it. haha. WELL, MOST PEOPLE CAN SEE THAT YOU ARE SUPER AGAINST ME!!! WAKE UP!!!!!

THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU. haha. where did that come from? SHE started with that. why can't i remember the rest? opps, i am so sorry. i think it went the other way. oh, oh, then SHE went on. after she help me decide that i can excuse myself from my next lesson and the coming test after informing the teacher to talk to me. haha. yea!! don't need do test, can't be any 'happier'. The talk was useless. wait, see, in the whole conversation, she went "IN MY OPINION" you are rude la... blah blah blah. So, actually when she said that THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND ME, it is beacuse it REVOLVES AROUND HER. HER OPININOS AFFECTS THE WHEATHER, THE WIND DIRECTION, WHERE THE SUN SETS AND EVERYTHING. REMEMBER, THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND HER. HER OPINIONS ARE THE ONE THE MATTER. so if i murder someone, and IN HER OPINION i didn't, I DIDN'T MURDER ANYONE. whee~~

that was not the worst yet. PART I ended and i went back up class. 5 minutes later, she came up and asked for me again. yes yes ASKED. and i WAS PASSED TO HER. WITHOUT MY CONSENT, MY BODY WAS REQUIRED TO MEET HER. yep, i have no RIGHTS to talk about. in school, whatever you say, i have to do. so please, i wait for the day you say, jump and i jump off the building and never to have to go through what you made me. the MENTAL TORTURE. Please say it soon, since i have no right, i will do as you say, master...Don't always make yourself the victim. PART II came. YOU DIDN"T TRUST ME!!!
"i just wanted to check that you really have a test now. Are you sure you didn't know that the test is at the later part of the class?" like duh, how i know what the teacher plans. haha. then SHE ask for what truce... then SHE wanted me to write it down. COME ON IF YOU DO NOT TRUST ME EVEN THE SLIGHTEST, DON'T FORCE YOURSELF. I DO NOT TRUST YOU. I AM FRIGHTENED THAT I WILL FAIL THE SUBJECT. HOW CAN A TEACHER NOT TRUST A STUDENT WHO DOES THE WORK? HOW CAN THERE BE SUCH LITTLE TRUST BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE?

I am not apologetic. up till now still no. there wouldn't be a SORRY from me. Go on, tell the whole staff room. make yourself the victim me the IN YOUR OPINION the rude and disrespectful girl. it is a fact that you have been calling people in my row and i can't believe that you could get all work up over a causal statement. A person too sensitive will never be happy. Do you even have a true friend whom you trust? From the way you react, it seemed like you don't. Oh, and you know, you did row your eyes at me and only ME!! THE OTHERS SAW IT TOO. I have never in my short life seen anyone that's like you. Like you, refuses to accept the truth cause it is bad for you thus hating anyone that tells you the truth. So, continue living in YOUR OPINION. you know you did roll your eyes. if not i think there is something wrong with your nerves. I HOPE YOU READ THIS. I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER FOGET YOU. NEVER FORGET THE INCIDENTS. NEVER!! SO DON'T SAY THINGS LIKE LET PUT IT BEHIND US. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. VERY IMPOSSIBLE.

TO ME, RESPECT IS A TWO WAY ROAD. BEING THE TEACHER, THE EDUCATOR, YOU SHOULD FIRST SHOW ME SOME BASIC RESPECT BEFORE YOU EVEN WANT ME TO RESPECT YOU. YOU DON'T DEMAND REASPECT, YOU EARN IT. I DON'T NEED YOUR TRUST. IF BECAUSE OF MY PERSONALITY THAT I GET INTO TROUBLE IN THE FUTURE, IT WILL NEVER CONCERN YOU. NEVER. YOU ARE NOT ANGRIER THAN ME. DONT SAY THAT. AND TO TELL YOU, EVEN MY PARENTS, THOSE THAT GAVE ME MY LIFE, THAT LOVED AND CARE FOR ME DON'T POINT THEIR FINGERS AT ME. SO DON'T YOU DARE. THAT, TO EVERYONE IS JUST PLAIN DISRESPECTFUL. ARGH!!!!

please... tell me why i have to endure these??? but, maybe it is all because she is the teacher and I and the student with no rights.
The Date: ( 10:44:00 PM )
Whee~~
SYF is in 1 more practice!!! 8 April is arriving.... ...

FEEL THE STRESS!!!! arh!!

the intonation monster have never left our section i realised. hehe. oh, and Tutor treated us to breakfast and he looked very tired. Shagged to be exact. Anyways, i was late. so sorry. i off me alarm then over slept. haix.
MONSTERS ARTICULATION, INTONATION, DYNAMICS and BALANCE seemed to be around our band today. I strongly felt their presence, destroying our music. haha. need to listen out more and TUNE!!! whee~ Figure C was nice except the part where i can't hear myself. and and i think J very nan ting. not like difficult to listen or what but very not nice. hehe. it sounded L~O~~N~~~G~~~~~.... and muddy.

Anyways, had to welcome Unity today, being the good host. and then like it was totally not need like not planned like its a total waste of time gathering there. it was also very like embarrassing that UNITY had to help us to arrange the chairs. WHAT THE!!! We are the host and the guests have to help us move chairs. okay, then other than that i think we sat there for like don't know how many years arh... while our tutor was waiting in the band room. Miss low insisted she didn't ask tutors to come today.... whatever. so we. were. stuck. there. only to wait greet them then be dismissed to sectionals. Personally, its like a incredible waste of time. I thought we could have like solve at least see, um, 3-4 bars of our music? Maybe more, but now, I will never know.

I know its rude to walk away when you are talking but, wait, aren't we already lacking practices? WE NEED TIME!!! We asked what you guys are planning to do, 'cos i really have no idea, then practically no one gave us an answer, do you seriously think that sitting there and waiting is beneficial? It seems like our organisation skills are also a problem. We need to use time wisely. By saying these, i mean no offence to anyone nor am I PERSONALLY ATTACKING ANYBODY OR THIING. (should talk about it later...)

Oh, then was the uniform thing. haix. relax people. relax everyone. i think miss low kindda just made it worst. listen to both side of the story. its kind of funny but they are slightly different. haha. relax. both sides made mistakes and don't try to push responsibility. to conclude, Zi Qin and Ivy were at fault for having their shirt out. Yet, i don't think they should be shouted at, even if they were unpleasent when you asked them to tuck in their shirt. no one likes to be shouted at, to me you should have continue to ask them to tuck in nicely. but you didn't. Shouting never solves anything. You should do something about it. Stop pushing the blame. And like it be resloved like this... ... We don't need to build up anymore conlict among us and the juniors.

Okay, thats about all for band. oh, plus we had recording today. Monster INTONATION was dancing though out ALEX and articulation and balance monster were there too. and i thought i saw mud. it sounded muddy...
If you don't like something say it out. never hide it. or say it behind others back. that is backstabbing. it hurts. don't always be too eager to push the blame to others. think, were you the one that caused other to make the mistake? Do say its always NOT your fault. it always is... learn to be responsible. Please.

tagboard

i think they call it freedom of speech

The Fillings

shouldn't they be in me?

the EMPTIED jars

what i tried to fill

credits

Year 2010: the feelings and quotes

to all the unknowns ahead