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e m P t Y

I've tried to write a letter. In ink
I've got a peice of paper. But it's Empty

The Story

The Date: Saturday, March 28, 2009 ( 7:53:00 PM )

Now, i truly understand why different ideology will lead to wars among countries. having different ideology really makes it more difficult to communicate. Different ideology will strain relationships between people too. I realised we should never insist on our way of doing stuffs neither force your idea nor your thinking of whats right on others. Who's right and who's wrong? Is there even an definite answer? Say, different people just react to the same thing different.

How long will today's motivation last? the last 5 practices? It's not that I don't want to listen or being rebellious neither am i trying to be rude today during the talk. i didn't see the need to listen. i was straining my ears to listen before. But, wait, i am motivated to work for the GOLD for SYF together with my section. I need no talk to motivate me. Well, maybe the talk wasn't just for me... Can we really do what we have to do? Serious during combine? No talking? Lets try.

I am not aiming for a gold. its not really important. that, like you say is just an acknowledgement from others for our efforts. What we need is to work hard. Be it C.O.P. that we eventually get, if we try our best, we know in our heart that we are already a GOLD band. IF, we work hard TOGETHER as a band, what we get will not matter.

We are playing better than the band 2 years ago. SO? we aren't the only band that is improving. If our improvement is lesser compared to other bands, our results wouldn't be of any difference. the effect neutralises. are we really improving enough? Have WE reach our limit? Is there still potential in us yet to be converted into "talent" ? I feel that we are improving, i hear that too. Are we trying enough?

Well, i realised the 28 days thing, its funny. just 'cos i was the one that said everything, i doesn't mean that i was the only one that wanted it. whatever. you guys complain about us/me forcing you all to sign the contract, but see, you came for the practices. You IMPROVED. I think, complaining is just the process. You know you benefited from the practices. the contact acts just as an invisible pushing force for you. Maybe an excuse you use to convince yourself to come for band practices, maybe even without it, you know you will come. the contract was NOTHING.

We are all HUMAN. We have feelings, sometimes, we feel something but hide it. We are smarter animals. We were taught to control, to only show what others wants us to show, meeting the expectations of us. Sometimes, sometimes, not saying, doing or showing what we feel or think does not mean that we dont have idea whats happening. Neither does it imply that we have no opinions.

Why? I think, its because all of us are afraid. Afraid to be hurt by others. so we ignore. we choose not to believe; choose not to hear; choose not to tell. THAT, is where the problems often occur. think about it. How true are the stuffs i just said? We often feel something, want to say something but because that person is your friend or someone close, you wouldn't say it, afraid that you would lose a friend 'cos you offended him/her? Or maybe even scared that you will be hated by all? I think everyone have this experiences. that's why terms like being 'FAKE' are used on REAL people. We, dont mean what we do or say. And the only reason why you think others are fake is because you, yourself have been fake to others before. you see a reason behind why you would be fake in those conditions, thus thinking that others would be like you, fake. And here i admit. I DON'T REALLY TRUST NO ONE. maybe its something psychological. because i did back stab friends before and i don't know if they will. I betrayed friends before so I don't know if they too, will betray me. And I have did or said many things that I do not mean it, being fake. I know, thus I don't know when others would be fake to me too. Its difficult to trust. Thus through many incidents, I learnt that its better not to trust. Keep EVERYTHING to yourseld. that's SAFER. like that i figured, I would never be hurt. You could never see what others are thinking. Never really know what they feel. Sometimes, it is really scary to have very close friends, so close that you are so afraid to lose them, that in the process of protecting this friendship, you lose yourself. You become so afraid; careful not to offend them but you never know when they feel offended. You kindda never know when they are your friends and when they aren't. Never knoe when to trust. it is really scary. Human. Are. Complicated.

To us, the way animals communicate might seem complicated. Yet, it is really simple. Either this or that. Whereas for humans, we talk. Talking, is the root cause of everything. We have brains that are more developed i guess, thus we think. and often, we THINK just TOO MUCH. am i thinking in a too complicated way? I'm confused and lost. I feel like escaping to somewhere.
Now, i look at all and think, do they hate me? Why? haix. I hate myself. To me, I feel that RACHEL is already gone. Now, i am just YAH, I AGREE to everything, just so i know that i will have friends, at least thats what i think. I am just trying to please everyone. I feel like I am breaking down. I don't know. HOW?