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e m P t Y

I've tried to write a letter. In ink
I've got a peice of paper. But it's Empty

The Story

The Date: Monday, March 30, 2009 ( 10:16:00 PM )

WAIT...
I didn't skip time compre. we just did it early. just in case the previous post cost me any trouble. haix. realised that me is very very bad in handling time. today went for tutorials? i think Tutor walked the longer way into school. Anyway, even Jamie agrees that he looks way more than someone born in 1990. 3 years older then me only. haha. tried to solve overture then alex. then left for piano. haix. Brought my horn home too. CRAZY GIRL!!! I just realised. I need to bring likr shoes, gowns and what HORN!!! Kind of irritating. Pls make do your promises next time. Think wisely. Whee~~ going to study le.
Still confused in my own world. lost and wondering. when will i ever be found? Sorry, I just can't help but doubt.

The Date: ( 10:16:00 PM )

I feel ... ...
haix. My ulcer on the gums seemed to have multiplied. It really hurts.
Anyways, Band was fun. and it is going to be fun every time i hope. haha. Tutorials tomorrow, i think. haha. Have to think of ways to skip time compre. yeah!!!
i wish that my ulcer will quickly go away. oh, and i cut my lips.
Ting, dont be sad le. i know your section will be able to wake up on time. Have faith though time is running out. Don't give up. Don't feel despair!! SMILES!!

The Date: Saturday, March 28, 2009 ( 7:53:00 PM )

Now, i truly understand why different ideology will lead to wars among countries. having different ideology really makes it more difficult to communicate. Different ideology will strain relationships between people too. I realised we should never insist on our way of doing stuffs neither force your idea nor your thinking of whats right on others. Who's right and who's wrong? Is there even an definite answer? Say, different people just react to the same thing different.

How long will today's motivation last? the last 5 practices? It's not that I don't want to listen or being rebellious neither am i trying to be rude today during the talk. i didn't see the need to listen. i was straining my ears to listen before. But, wait, i am motivated to work for the GOLD for SYF together with my section. I need no talk to motivate me. Well, maybe the talk wasn't just for me... Can we really do what we have to do? Serious during combine? No talking? Lets try.

I am not aiming for a gold. its not really important. that, like you say is just an acknowledgement from others for our efforts. What we need is to work hard. Be it C.O.P. that we eventually get, if we try our best, we know in our heart that we are already a GOLD band. IF, we work hard TOGETHER as a band, what we get will not matter.

We are playing better than the band 2 years ago. SO? we aren't the only band that is improving. If our improvement is lesser compared to other bands, our results wouldn't be of any difference. the effect neutralises. are we really improving enough? Have WE reach our limit? Is there still potential in us yet to be converted into "talent" ? I feel that we are improving, i hear that too. Are we trying enough?

Well, i realised the 28 days thing, its funny. just 'cos i was the one that said everything, i doesn't mean that i was the only one that wanted it. whatever. you guys complain about us/me forcing you all to sign the contract, but see, you came for the practices. You IMPROVED. I think, complaining is just the process. You know you benefited from the practices. the contact acts just as an invisible pushing force for you. Maybe an excuse you use to convince yourself to come for band practices, maybe even without it, you know you will come. the contract was NOTHING.

We are all HUMAN. We have feelings, sometimes, we feel something but hide it. We are smarter animals. We were taught to control, to only show what others wants us to show, meeting the expectations of us. Sometimes, sometimes, not saying, doing or showing what we feel or think does not mean that we dont have idea whats happening. Neither does it imply that we have no opinions.

Why? I think, its because all of us are afraid. Afraid to be hurt by others. so we ignore. we choose not to believe; choose not to hear; choose not to tell. THAT, is where the problems often occur. think about it. How true are the stuffs i just said? We often feel something, want to say something but because that person is your friend or someone close, you wouldn't say it, afraid that you would lose a friend 'cos you offended him/her? Or maybe even scared that you will be hated by all? I think everyone have this experiences. that's why terms like being 'FAKE' are used on REAL people. We, dont mean what we do or say. And the only reason why you think others are fake is because you, yourself have been fake to others before. you see a reason behind why you would be fake in those conditions, thus thinking that others would be like you, fake. And here i admit. I DON'T REALLY TRUST NO ONE. maybe its something psychological. because i did back stab friends before and i don't know if they will. I betrayed friends before so I don't know if they too, will betray me. And I have did or said many things that I do not mean it, being fake. I know, thus I don't know when others would be fake to me too. Its difficult to trust. Thus through many incidents, I learnt that its better not to trust. Keep EVERYTHING to yourseld. that's SAFER. like that i figured, I would never be hurt. You could never see what others are thinking. Never really know what they feel. Sometimes, it is really scary to have very close friends, so close that you are so afraid to lose them, that in the process of protecting this friendship, you lose yourself. You become so afraid; careful not to offend them but you never know when they feel offended. You kindda never know when they are your friends and when they aren't. Never knoe when to trust. it is really scary. Human. Are. Complicated.

To us, the way animals communicate might seem complicated. Yet, it is really simple. Either this or that. Whereas for humans, we talk. Talking, is the root cause of everything. We have brains that are more developed i guess, thus we think. and often, we THINK just TOO MUCH. am i thinking in a too complicated way? I'm confused and lost. I feel like escaping to somewhere.
Now, i look at all and think, do they hate me? Why? haix. I hate myself. To me, I feel that RACHEL is already gone. Now, i am just YAH, I AGREE to everything, just so i know that i will have friends, at least thats what i think. I am just trying to please everyone. I feel like I am breaking down. I don't know. HOW?

The Date: ( 7:30:00 PM )

i realised, tutor is really funny. haha. and he looks like Garfield and feels like Mr. Lim.
Tutorials are becoming more and more fun and meaningful like after Xie guy... haha. no offence. and horn section fell from being always the first few sections to go back to today the LAST. haha. We were having proper sectionals with tutor, was NOT slacking nor playing a fool. Then combine went quickly and excitingly... whee~~ But kindda think that to practice alex really needs a lot of stamina.
SYF is in less then 5 practices; 10 days; 240 hours; 14'400 minutes away. to all whether you like or hate me, JIA YOUS and ENJOY the process.

台上一分钟，台下十年功。

The Date: Friday, March 27, 2009 ( 10:02:00 PM )

Whee~~
what the hell, some people really can't keep their comments to themselves. haha. you are still studying and yet you can already drvie? I wonder how OLD are you...
Please know where you stand. can you imagine if its a parent that you said that too?
i realised, we should always think many many times before we do anything. never regret after making a decision. admit and learn from the mistake then never yo repeat. Yet, there are many things that once said or done, it could never be taken back. Things WILL NEVER be the same and yes, its all YOUR fault. you, left it behind.
and OUCH. it really hurts.

The Date: Monday, March 23, 2009 ( 7:42:00 PM )

Okie dokie.
I was just wondering about something. Anyways, didn't mean to ignore you today in class. hehe. Find it hard to say out. haha.
today's class was fun. Roi was funny during lesson and so is many other that happened during english. Hmm, maybe being angry make me feel happier easily. He was like running about class finding an area to hide so that he can sleep. then the miss dominant note of Cmajor(no offence) kept asking for him, when she finally realise that she is missing. haha. very funny. [~_~]
anyways, there was band today and i didn't know about it. haix. [._.]
Should i try to make up and rish being called a fake?

The Date: Sunday, March 22, 2009 ( 11:39:00 AM )

Hehe. Today's the last day of holiday. sadded. I have yet to complete my homework.
Do we think because of who we are or are who we are because we think? I wonder...
Mutual undersatnding. Is it really that easy to get? If you knew that that was important, why didn't you do it? Maybe its all easier sad than done. Are we as hunmans really the most selfish living matter? Do we often only concern about ourself because it is the only safe way? the only way to protect ourself from being hurt? Who is right and who is wrong?
Maybe... it is just really easier to see everything when you are out of the picture.

The Date: Saturday, March 21, 2009 ( 9:40:00 PM )

This is my first post for the year and it is not about a thing that i am happy nor proud to post about.
Does everything happen for a reason? or is it because of a reason that it happen? why is things always going towards that negative side. WHY!?
Band camp ended today with a meeting that was very very long. why? because of the misunderstanding among us and the sec 3s. i have no other method to express myself but i feel that i must. so here it goes....
I wanted to talk about the SMS incident. on the 19march09, Thursday, unfortunately there was BAND. so I went. then apparently, the sec 3s were taking over the committee and the temporary comm, note that its TEMPORARY. okay, then well, worse thing was they wanted us to bring along uniform for the camp, which i strongly objected. THEY DID NOT ASK US. THEY TOLD US TO BRING. later, we found out that they did it to test us, which made us angry and all decided to not wear uniform. However, today, when we asked them, they said they were only joking. SO, anyway the main point is that, later part of Thursday band practice, we, ting, xue, mei and I was in the comm room when they(Mich. and LA) came in to ask us to clear the band room. however, we still DRAGGED and IGNORED THEM. oh, and i threw the all-mighty key-pouch to her when she asked for it, which they felt offended. haha.
Later that day, i sent a message to Michelle asking if she is angry. to be exact, this is the message. " Are you angry? cos i am asking why need uniform and didn't mean to ignore you just now." I WANTED TO APOLOGISE. AS A SENIOR, I FELT THAT I WAS AT FAULT THAT I TREATED MY JUNIOR THAT WAY. I MEANT WHAT I SAID. then amazingly, she showed the message to not just the whole TEMPORARY committee and also Lynette i think and said that I was so insincere and that "so FAKE!!!!!!!!" what the hell. i know cause you are all these kind of person always so cunning thus you find it difficult to trust people or because you are such a "real" person, thus when a person is sincere, you being always not, think that all are THE SAME AS YOU. FAKE.
Anyway, I only knew it today. They even complained to Lynette that I in particular 'fought' with them about the uniform thing. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! WHEN WE ASK YOU GUYS TO TALK YOU GUYS DIDN'T SO FROM NOW ON, YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT US. WE GAVE YOU THE CHANCE AND YOU DIDN'T WANT IT. STOP BEHAVING LIKE A COWARD. ONLY A COWARD TALKS BEHIND OTHERS BACK. STOP. WAKE UP.
I am angry, i admit. Why should i stand the attitude that you give me the whole day? You mean if you give me the "black" face for nothing, i should return you with a smile? what is this? I have to give in to you? We know that the uniform incident is partially our fault but you mean you are NOT AT FAULT AT ALL? It has been 3 years. i am not going to say please this time. STOP GIVING ME THE ATTITUDE.
Then the power statement, do we still have power? Let me clarify, I DIDN'T SCOLD LA. SO STOP SAYING I DID. NEITHER DID THE OTHER RACHAEL.. So, let me say, i hope you realise that we are still the leaders of the band even we are not, we still are the most senior people of the band. YOU are still our juniors. so, we do have the not say power but rather in a sense the ability to scold or punish you maybe not in the instrument playing techniques but could also be in experiences.
We are all disappointed in most of your performances. People that we thought that have great potential have greatly and strangely enough prove us wrong. I sure have a problem in judging people. oh, I do remember someone saying before that being a temp. band major isn't a big deal, that this did not give one the right to shout at others. i do. i wonder.
great disappointment. that would be what i would use to describe some of your performances if i have to describe them in less then seven words. however, i do understand, it is only your first try. so, i don't know. what? maybe you are still green horns in this. Is that an excuse which is valid enough?